Listgasms » Women

They read off of a teleprompter and wave their hands, occasionally they make Nostradamus like predictions, (because some work in Phoenix or Seattle), and their resume includes 2 things: a made up name and a glamor shot. Here they are for your enjoyment: 20 Ridiculous Real Weathermen Names…or meteorologists if you want to be all scientific.

The only reason to watch the local evening news is the utterly gorgeous weather lady, unless you’re interested in the drug bust / cat infestation that sent three helicopters to your block last night. Yes, she probably did graduate summa cum laude in Atmospheric Sciences from Texas A&M. But who cares?

1. Jackie Johnson. She is my local Channel 9 weather woman and she has already saved me and my girlfriend a very inconvenient trip into the center of a hurricane. And this is exactly why I keep watching Jackie.

2. Sugey Abrego. This Matutino Express show spends about 57 minutes with Sugey’s weather report every day, which is absolutely justified given her large bust size and absurdly casual attire.

3. Mónica Escamilla. It seems as if it is about 85 degrees in the television studio when she delivers her report.

4. Jackie Guerrido. Ay, caray, the Spanish-speaking countries really have great weather reporting.

5. Valentina Avanzi. Italian television stations use runway models to deliver information about the weather. Thankfully, the viewers never notice that she’s reading from a card, and don’t care that the weather graphics look like an Age of Empires campaign.

6. Eva Berberian. The French would naturally also hire runway models, but it seems that Eva has a far better grasp on the subject of weather than Valentina.

Well, there you have it. We’ve watched the most gorgeous ladies of weather and still don’t know if it is going to rain tomorrow.

In our quest for lists we are constantly trolling the far corners of internet for new information. One of the biggest sources for these lists are magazines. In fact the inspiration for LISTGASM originated out of the neighborhood newsstand. And if you doubt us, then we respectfully challenge you to do the following: The next time you are at Borders Books or Barnes and Nobles, we dare you to ignore the lists plastered all over the covers of various magazines

On to the next challenge:

We want to know if you have heard of, read, or subscribe to any of these magazines. We can’t even believe that these exist. (sorted by category)

WOMEN:

• MissBehave: We are not entirely sure if this magazine is still being published, it may have been downgraded to a blog. Still, we agree its time for a magazine that tell girls thats burhkas are out and being urban is in. Their title is catchy, feminine, and yet has a slight touch of entomology.

• Romantic Times BOOK Reviews: We love romantic book covers more than probably (see the logo?) anyone else, but we still can’t imagine anyone reading reviews for books with titles such as, Fallen: Celeste, Deep is the Night: Dark Fire, or The Last Celtic Witch. Definitely spend some time reading ASK THE AUTHOR, regarding the sensational Sasha Lord.

• Black Hair: The best magazines that nobody reads has to be the ethnic ones, and by ethnic we usually mean African-American or Latino. I’d like to know the specifics around using “soul glow.” Wouldn’t you? However I would prefer to learn everything on 1 page instead of 156…

• Cornbread 2 Caviar: Just when you thought this list was slowing down, we slip this right under you. The magazine is described as the “Southeast’s Urban voice for Christian Women.” This makes as much sense to us as cussing out a deaf person.

  

• Weddings and Quinceañeras: I have only been to one Quinceañera in my lifetime and the girl was half black, so it doesn’t really count. This magazine is exclusively for Latinas planning their birthday parties 15 years in the making. The following year they plan their child’s first birthday party and by age 20 they finally get married. I think that’s why its called Weddings AND Quinceañeras, but I think that the title should be in reverse order. Think about it, each purchased issue lasts the consumer a good 5 years!

  

• Fit Pregnancy: This magazine is no different than any other female subscription- full of how-to’s, tips, pretty pictures, and even prettier advertisements. My guess is that the only women who purchase this magazine are the same ones who planned their pregnancy and have intentions to get knocked-up immediately thereafter. Pay close attention to the special pull-out section in the picture.

 

• Pageantry Magazine: Where to begin? Luckily they have a special issue in the spring that is naturally titled “Prom Time.” Please find time to visit their site so you don’t miss out on the “Pic of the week.” We do appreciate the hair, make-up, and etiquette tips, but where’s the advice to ensure your little Teen/Hoodrat gets asked to the big dance in the first place?

• Just CrossStitch: This magazine is read by the tackiest and wackiest thrift-store shopping, home-schooling mothers in America. Although their house may feel extremely cozy upon entering and their baked goods are always delicious, be careful- because these woman are just a Lifetime Movie away from committing murder (or suicide).

 

 

 

• Sister 2 Sister: I am about ‘100 things better to do with my time’ away from writing to the editors of this magazine for black women and informing them that it should be “Sista 2 Sista,” and the ‘2′ should be in reverse. If you are going to do something, then do it write. Am I right?

• Women’s Basketball: I totally dig the concept of women buying a magazine containing foldouts of other women in time-lapsed photographic poses (i.e., completing lay-ups). Good form, but try to jump next time.

MEN:

• En-V-Us: Talk about Pride, this magazine bills itself as an “ethnic men’s lifestyle and entertainment magazine.” I don’t even think a college kid in a racially exclusive fraternity would pick this trash up…take that back… they probably would, but only because of the cologne samples. And why should I EN-V you anyway? Please remind me…

• Dime: Who knew there was a magazine dedicated to the “basketball lifestyle?” I play basketball a lot- I even have a pair of Jordan XI’s, and yet I have never heard of this “lifestyle” that this magazine promotes. I think its because of a specific thing Dime refuses to promote…A DAY JOB.

• Ultimate Grappling: Nothing says “I’m Straight Bro, I promise,” like jumping out of your supe’d up 4×4, ripping off your Affliction T-shirt, and getting down with some Mixed Martial Arts. I just don’t see where reading magazines fits into the whole equation. I guess that’s where the Ring Girls calendar comes into play…

 

• Log Home and Wood: I would go as far as saying that these are the two most necessary magazines on our list. One could argue that their carbon footprint is extremely large but I would counter argue that their weathered hand slap could knock you straight on your ass. Have you ever shaken the hand of a carpenter?

 

 

• Trapper & Predator These men don’t need Mountain Drew or heights to get Xtreme. Nope. They use assault rifles, bows, ATVs, and various animal calling techniques. Knawwaatimeen?

TEENS:

• Inside Cheerleading: I can admit that I have been on the”outside” of cheer leading for too long. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen Bring it On, so really- what more can there be? The answer lays somewhere in the mail (after $33 dollars and a 3 years subscription).

 

• Word Up! (black) J-14 Magazine (white) , and Gumbo Teen (confused): We thought teen gossip rags died with NKOTB (New Kids on the Block), but we were very very wrong. The greatest thing about these magazines have always been how they look exactly like something a 12 year old would put together…collage after collage after collage…
  • Good news: gumbo teen is hiring!

 

 

 

That just about does it for this list. We hope you are going bonkers trying to figure out how these magazines stay in business.

What’s next for Listgasm? Food! Frozen food and chocolate to be exact. But don’t worry everything has been lab tested for quality!

 

 

 

I can not say that I have purchased a copy of Maxim since my early years of having a drivers license. In college, my roommate had a subscription and we always enjoyed the jokes section of the magazine…thats is until ebaumsworld and collegehumor were discovered…

Today we give proppers to Maxim, and not because of their fabulous skills at photoshop or their ability to convince men that all women want them. (Sorry bro, it’s just not reality…they just want more purses.)

We spotlight Maxim for these two lists:

100 you need to know about women

The 50 Lamest things of all time

These lists are listgasmic because:

• Mandals have always been both useless and hilarious
• Catch phrases like “that’s how I roll” just prove how unoriginal you really are
• Bode Miller is to winter sports what the 2004 Lakers were to Basketball
• Woman only want more blankets in their bed
• The obvious reminder that woman grow hair in the same places we do.
• She will out live you.