Listgasms » Men

They read off of a teleprompter and wave their hands, occasionally they make Nostradamus like predictions, (because some work in Phoenix or Seattle), and their resume includes 2 things: a made up name and a glamor shot. Here they are for your enjoyment: 20 Ridiculous Real Weathermen Names…or meteorologists if you want to be all scientific.

In our quest for lists we are constantly trolling the far corners of internet for new information. One of the biggest sources for these lists are magazines. In fact the inspiration for LISTGASM originated out of the neighborhood newsstand. And if you doubt us, then we respectfully challenge you to do the following: The next time you are at Borders Books or Barnes and Nobles, we dare you to ignore the lists plastered all over the covers of various magazines

On to the next challenge:

We want to know if you have heard of, read, or subscribe to any of these magazines. We can’t even believe that these exist. (sorted by category)

WOMEN:

• MissBehave: We are not entirely sure if this magazine is still being published, it may have been downgraded to a blog. Still, we agree its time for a magazine that tell girls thats burhkas are out and being urban is in. Their title is catchy, feminine, and yet has a slight touch of entomology.

• Romantic Times BOOK Reviews: We love romantic book covers more than probably (see the logo?) anyone else, but we still can’t imagine anyone reading reviews for books with titles such as, Fallen: Celeste, Deep is the Night: Dark Fire, or The Last Celtic Witch. Definitely spend some time reading ASK THE AUTHOR, regarding the sensational Sasha Lord.

• Black Hair: The best magazines that nobody reads has to be the ethnic ones, and by ethnic we usually mean African-American or Latino. I’d like to know the specifics around using “soul glow.” Wouldn’t you? However I would prefer to learn everything on 1 page instead of 156…

• Cornbread 2 Caviar: Just when you thought this list was slowing down, we slip this right under you. The magazine is described as the “Southeast’s Urban voice for Christian Women.” This makes as much sense to us as cussing out a deaf person.

  

• Weddings and Quinceañeras: I have only been to one Quinceañera in my lifetime and the girl was half black, so it doesn’t really count. This magazine is exclusively for Latinas planning their birthday parties 15 years in the making. The following year they plan their child’s first birthday party and by age 20 they finally get married. I think that’s why its called Weddings AND Quinceañeras, but I think that the title should be in reverse order. Think about it, each purchased issue lasts the consumer a good 5 years!

  

• Fit Pregnancy: This magazine is no different than any other female subscription- full of how-to’s, tips, pretty pictures, and even prettier advertisements. My guess is that the only women who purchase this magazine are the same ones who planned their pregnancy and have intentions to get knocked-up immediately thereafter. Pay close attention to the special pull-out section in the picture.

• Pageantry Magazine: Where to begin? Luckily they have a special issue in the spring that is naturally titled “Prom Time.” Please find time to visit their site so you don’t miss out on the “Pic of the week.” We do appreciate the hair, make-up, and etiquette tips, but where’s the advice to ensure your little Teen/Hoodrat gets asked to the big dance in the first place?

• Just CrossStitch: This magazine is read by the tackiest and wackiest thrift-store shopping, home-schooling mothers in America. Although their house may feel extremely cozy upon entering and their baked goods are always delicious, be careful- because these woman are just a Lifetime Movie away from committing murder (or suicide).

• Sister 2 Sister: I am about ‘100 things better to do with my time’ away from writing to the editors of this magazine for black women and informing them that it should be “Sista 2 Sista,” and the ‘2′ should be in reverse. If you are going to do something, then do it write. Am I right?

• Women’s Basketball: I totally dig the concept of women buying a magazine containing foldouts of other women in time-lapsed photographic poses (i.e., completing lay-ups). Good form, but try to jump next time.

MEN:

• En-V-Us: Talk about Pride, this magazine bills itself as an “ethnic men’s lifestyle and entertainment magazine.” I don’t even think a college kid in a racially exclusive fraternity would pick this trash up…take that back… they probably would, but only because of the cologne samples. And why should I EN-V you anyway? Please remind me…

• Dime: Who knew there was a magazine dedicated to the “basketball lifestyle?” I play basketball a lot- I even have a pair of Jordan XI’s, and yet I have never heard of this “lifestyle” that this magazine promotes. I think its because of a specific thing Dime refuses to promote…A DAY JOB.

• Ultimate Grappling: Nothing says “I’m Straight Bro, I promise,” like jumping out of your supe’d up 4×4, ripping off your Affliction T-shirt, and getting down with some Mixed Martial Arts. I just don’t see where reading magazines fits into the whole equation. I guess that’s where the Ring Girls calendar comes into play…

• Log Home and Wood: I would go as far as saying that these are the two most necessary magazines on our list. One could argue that their carbon footprint is extremely large but I would counter argue that their weathered hand slap could knock you straight on your ass. Have you ever shaken the hand of a carpenter?

• Trapper & Predator These men don’t need Mountain Drew or heights to get Xtreme. Nope. They use assault rifles, bows, ATVs, and various animal calling techniques. Knawwaatimeen?

TEENS:

• Inside Cheerleading: I can admit that I have been on the”outside” of cheer leading for too long. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen Bring it On, so really- what more can there be? The answer lays somewhere in the mail (after $33 dollars and a 3 years subscription).

• Word Up! (black) J-14 Magazine (white) , and Gumbo Teen (confused): We thought teen gossip rags died with NKOTB (New Kids on the Block), but we were very very wrong. The greatest thing about these magazines have always been how they look exactly like something a 12 year old would put together…collage after collage after collage…
  • Good news: gumbo teen is hiring!

That just about does it for this list. We hope you are going bonkers trying to figure out how these magazines stay in business.

What’s next for Listgasm? Food! Frozen food and chocolate to be exact. But don’t worry everything has been lab tested for quality!

Like any good man, I am obsessed by sports. When I was younger it was all about learning how to play the game. I bought the equipment, watched the pros, and became interested in the technique/fundamentals of the given game. Growing up basketball and volleyball were my favorite.

In high school I really started to follow sports closely, but I began to look at the numbers of the game. I would try to best friends at trivia to prove I studied the game more. But it was in collge (UCLA) that I really took a liking to fantasy sports and the business aspects surrounding the leagues and owners. To this day, my dream would to either be an owner of a professional sports team or a General Manager.

Aspirations aside, Forbes.com has always done a great job keeping us up to date on the value of the sport as well as the teams themselves. Check out the links below:

• Baseball
• Basketball
• Football
• Hockey
• NASCAR (why not?)

Sports Illustrated also does a great job each year ranking top earners by sport (with most of their salary coming from endorsement deals) and spotlighting salaries for each team.

Since I have finally succumbed to the fact I will never be a professional athlete, I will study the game in case a front office job opens up with the Phoenix Suns (Steve Kerr should hire me) or start training for season 2 of American Gladiators.

If gladiators does not work out either, then I guess I will get fat off of my ass and try competitive eating. IFOCE!

“Make it Rain”

There are a ton of holiday gift guides for men, women, children, and pets in the listgasm database. I have been holding out on a gift guide post like super-agent Scott Bor”ass” and an MLB general manager during contract negotiations. Alas here is the only gift guide for men worth looking at.

Danger Room’s 2007 Holiday Gift Guide (Wired Magazine)

My picks at the gifts that ooze pure testosterone goodness.

• A taser: I’ll take four. One for each pocket in my jeans.
• Flying Wing: Is the parachute included? If not, yes, if no, yes.
• Spy Drome: Now I can figure out what the heck they do in New Mexico
• Laser Dazzler: Never will I have to walk my dog again.
• Missile Silo Lair: Y3k ready!
• Supersoaker: In the words of Marv Albert, ” YES!”

Alright Ladies and Mom. Time to make Christmas 2007 the best ever.

I can not say that I have purchased a copy of Maxim since my early years of having a drivers license. In college, my roommate had a subscription and we always enjoyed the jokes section of the magazine…thats is until ebaumsworld and collegehumor were discovered…

Today we give proppers to Maxim, and not because of their fabulous skills at photoshop or their ability to convince men that all women want them. (Sorry bro, it’s just not reality…they just want more purses.)

We spotlight Maxim for these two lists:

100 you need to know about women

The 50 Lamest things of all time

These lists are listgasmic because:

• Mandals have always been both useless and hilarious
• Catch phrases like “that’s how I roll” just prove how unoriginal you really are
• Bode Miller is to winter sports what the 2004 Lakers were to Basketball
• Woman only want more blankets in their bed
• The obvious reminder that woman grow hair in the same places we do.
• She will out live you.

Today we spotlight some of the craziest competitive sports thanks to One Man’s Blog. The compilation is amazing: Ladder Racing? Sand Dune Climbing? Chess Boxing? Wife Carrying?

As a newlywed myself, I would have no problems entering into the wife carrying competition. In fact I might just have to apply for Finish or Estonian citizenship on the grounds of each nation’s innovativeness.

Here are some of the rules:

• All Participants must have fun: DONE DEAL
• The wife to be carried may be your own, the neighbour’s or you may have found her farther afield; she must, however, be over 17 years of age: VERY INTUITIVE RULE!
• If a contestant drops his wife that couple will be fined 15 seconds per drop: SHE BETTER HOLD ON!
• The minimum weight of the wife to be carried is 49 kilograms. If she is less than 49 kg, the wife will be burdened with a rucksack containing additional weight such that the total load to be carried is no less than 49 kg: subtext: THE BEEFER, THE BETTER THE BRAGGING RIGHT.

It is also important to note that the winner receives a year supply of beer and the wife wins another year of marriage.

These sports are true examples of athleticism. Wife Carrying is just one illustration we have provided. Please tell me how I can get these into the next Olympics. I’d rather watch Cheese Rolling than Curling or Ballroom Dancing.

Where as many would applaud Lance Armstrong for his record cycling championships, Listgasm salutes Madis Uusorg of Estonia, a 7 time wife-carrying champion.

I’ve spent the past work week planning a large social event for January – a “New Year Kick-off” of sorts. With the desire to really spice things up, we are going with live entertainment. This site provides such performers around the country. Including mimes. At $190 to $260 an hour. (pause) I’ll say that again, $190 to $260 an hour. Someone please remind me why I went to college. Four years of hard work and I’m no where near mime money. Instead of taking finals, I could have been sitting on my ass watching television while practicing the pulling of my “invisible rope.”

“I’m trapped in an invisible box and I drive a Jag.”

(Note: by virtue of speaking to provide the quote above, this gentleman has been shunned from his Mimery and is now out of work. At least he has the invisible box to live in.)

Which leads me to this wonderful list of the 25 Skills Every Man Should Know. You know what isn’t #1 on there? MIMING. Big mistake there. Just one or two hours on the weekend at kid’s parties will pay for a full-time man-servant to cover most of these skills so you never need to worry about it. If you don’t have white face paint (mayonnaise is an acceptable alternative, but limits your outdoor performances) then knowing these skills can’t hurt.

For one additional benefit, here’s a tip to get you through the day: Don’t EVER buy a $6 toaster. Sure, the short-term savings are hard to resist. But I can assure you that the long-term medical bills resulting from multiple electrocutions and third-degree burns do not make this a sound financial investment. And now bread gives me nightmares.

I am an uber-talk radio listener. I listen for the entertainment aspect. Why else would I enjoy Michael Savage? However the least entertaining aspect of talk radio happens to be the lousy commercials. I don’t want to hear your fake conversation around legalzoom.com, Adee Do, or your special offer for termite inspection. You are not convincing anyone.

Listening to talk radio commercials during my drive home in traffic is almost as bad as listening to a screaming baby on crowded Southwest flight, while being sandwiched between two overly obese men. Conclusion: It’s ever fun and completely dependent upon the destination.

Why all the griping? Like all things, its simple. Bud Light Real Men of Genius Commercials are the saving grace of radio station interruptions. Both talk or otherwise. These commercials are both unexpected and profound. They serve as a mixture between midgets, Mystery Science Theater, and testosterone. (in other words always funny, sarcastic, and manly). These commercials are dangerously Masculine.

Listgasm respectfully pays homage to this list/library of Bud Light’s Real Men of Genius Commercials. Now your work day has three ways to kill time: said commercials, fantasy sports, and linerider.

Please comment on your favorites. Now if only they could get me to drink cheap beer instead of smile and chuckle for 60 seconds.