The premiere of this show is stressing me out. If you have not heard already, American Gladiators is returning on January 6th, in the year of our Lord 2008. Who knew NBC had the power to push Christmas back 11 days. Yesterday’s topic was nostalgia and believe me when I tell you that nothing is more nostalgic than watching Dick Butkus and the Gladiators pound ordinary Joes in competition like the Assault (NERF Weaponry), Joust, Hang Tough, One-on-One tug-of-war, Powerball, and the Eliminator. I can recite the names of my favorite Gladiators of old just as easily as I can stand and give my allegiance to the American Flag. Nitro, Turbo, Ice, Lace, Gold, Thunder, Malibu, Jazz, Ice, Rap, Laser, and Gemini were some of the best physical specimens this nation has ever seen.
I’m almost positive that George Mitchell tried to dig up some syringes on these American Icons. If I were in Congress I would pass legislation recognizing these athletic giants and mandate that January 6th always be American Gladiator Day in our nations schools. Students would have to dress like the favorite gladiator and PE would commence from 7am til the sun don’t shine. No more President’s Fitness Exam or PSA’s by Arnold the Governator…just one nation, together, under gladiator. Chills are running down my spine. Let me hear a Presidential Contender with that in their issues’ arsenal and I’ll show you the next Gladiator-in-Chief.
When the sun rises on January 6th we will be ready for a new breed of Gladiator. Gladiators of the future. And a fresh crop of ordinary men and women like you and I will take them on, 2 by 2, event by event, in hopes of winning that cash prize. Nothing is more American than this.
Here’s a look at the new breed:
- Titan: Still Not sure about the name. His is a 4 time Mr. Universe…if it ain’t broke don’t…
- Tao: Another stupid name, I guess he’s the minority-other-than black/Latino. His face looks crazier than Rosie O’donnell in the Sara Lee factory.
- Hella: Can’t say she isn’t savory, but I bet this chick gets what she wants.
- Crush: I bet she’s into the SAW movie franchise.
- Justice: My personal favorite. Big, Black as a night, and has a face that says, “God made me to punish you.” The phrase is probably true to both genders, especially trans. Key stat: 6′8!
- Mayhem: Probably rolls with Floyd Mayweather and 50 cent. Dude is 44 and his hands hang to his kneecaps. Watch out for this Orangutan on the swinging rings.
- Siren: She’s a PYT, pretty, young thang, and imagine she’s good with a butterfly knife as well.
- Venom: Worst name on the show and from the looks of her, the weakest link.
- Militia: A cross between Tito Ortiz and The Mummy. He’s ex-Cirque du Soleil so he’s flexible and enjoys the costume.
- Wolf: He didn’t shave his face but he did the rest of his body. The teeth might get you last but the howl is what lures you into the ring.
- Stealth: If you shaved her head she would be Dhalsim from the old Streetfighter games. The only thing buffer than her is a Chinese High Diver.
- Fury: Sporty Spice. Not as cute as the rest of the bunch but the competition isn’t about being pretty.
The only thing they are missing is a tiny Pilipino man-child. We suggest Weng-Weng.
If you are still not convinced that this is the best thing for television in a time of Islamofascism then we have 3 more words: THE HULKSTER’s BACK.
“Bring it Talibanistan”
Tags: America, awesome., Gladiators, Sports
This entry was posted on Friday, December 14th, 2007 at 9:08 am and is filed under Sports, Uncategorized. You can skip to the end and leave a response below. Pinging is currently not allowed.
