Listgasms » 2007 » November

If you have never had the privilege of working in a genuine office environment (no, converting your parent’s garage into a workspace for your lame start-up website doesn’t count – even if you have a pencil-holder) then I strongly encourage you to get in on it NOW. If you do work in such a business, hopefully the idiots who followed through on the previous sentence will take our place and we can find something more fulfilling. Either way, Xinjo.com provides us a handful of excellent methods to keep ourselves busy…as long as it doesn’t actually include accomplishing anything in relation to your job.

Any of these could easily be the cold-opening for a future episode of The Office. I doubt Jim would hesitate to wrap Dwight’s desk up completely in paper (he’s already moved it in to the men’s bathroom – Season 2, Episode 6 suckas!) And the ESC buttons on the keyboard wouldn’t be to hard to pull off with an hour’s time and the appropriate level of boredom-induced malice. The garden-growing amidst desk appliances is definitely the most ingenious and worth a shot. (“Life finds a way” – Jurassic Park). Why not make it uber-efficient and plant some herbs you can then use at home to cook with?

The image of small life forms bursting through a keyboard instantly brought back to mind a tragic experience from my college years. When writing lengthy term papers (with a typically not-so-lengthy amount of time before the due date) I had the habit of snacking regularly while typing. Thus the small crumbs of chips and cookies (Koala Yummies or bust), along with sugary droplets from cans of Rockstar, fell rather gracefully down between the keys of my keyboard. Naturally my dorm had an ant problem and one day while using my computer I was horrified to begin typing and have hundreds of the crawly creatures (pretty sure they looked like this) burst out from their new tasty nesting grounds and angrily charge onto my hands and up my arms. The lesson learned here is that Koala Yummies are delicious and are worth fighting for.

Anyway, hopefully your work day isn’t so frustrating that driving equipment through your desk is the only means of maintaining your sanity. And sadly the best means of curing boredom isn’t even in this list. That would of course be visiting Listgasm.com.

Is the repetitive monotony of Thanksgiving beginning to bore you? Have Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanzaa lost their luster? Might the purely-commercial nature of Valentine’s Day created disillusionment? But most importantly, has the lack of being covered from head to toe in tomato paste, mud, paint, and orange juice made you realize you are lacking a truly worthwhile holiday?

A lovingly-prepared list of the Craziest and Messiest Holidays of the World can guide you to a whole range of celebrations that foreigners have long been hiding from us. You will quickly note that to get fully in the spirit, many of these holidays are not ideal for showing off that fancy new outfit you got last week. While the tomato and orange baths likely provide you with a year’s worth of Vitamin C (and temporary blindness – “The citrus…it burns!”), the festivities involving mud would be my ideal use of vacation days.

Taking a closer look at the “Summer Redneck Games”, a couple thoughts come to mind. First, the form of the two divers pictured is exquisite. I can’t imagine the two couldn’t pair up as an Olympic diving team, though the difference in splash potential would likely hurt their chances. And when considering splash, the crowd surrounding the lovely lady in the bottom photograph who have yet to get muddy will be there very, very soon.

Few observations need to be pointed out about “Hounen Matsuri” that you can’t find on your own. (If not, find some high school friends and prepare a class-action lawsuit because 9th grade health failed you.) Before reading the caption, my initial thought from the photograph was how exciting that the Japanese had managed to create a smaller (and certainly more efficient) Weinermobile. But don’t get yourself down when looking at the photograph, because while the holy item being carried claims to be 8-feet long, the average size is really 4 to 6.

Of all the holidays featured, I’d recommend against trying out “The Rapas Das Bestas.” While the caption claims part of the festivities include breaking in the horses, it looks to me like it’s the other way around.

When my colleagues and I set out to create Listgasm.com, we had a multi-faceted vision of how such a website could benefit humankind. First, we desired to develop a bountiful archive of meaningful information and resources for our consumer-driven and knowledge-hungry clientele. Second, to create a holistic web community that brings together folks of all interests and backgrounds. Third, to make fun of poop hats.

Cracked.com has proven itself Listgasm-worthy on many an occasion. This particular list, detailing a unique array of international toys and novelty items, is no exception. Nearly every toy listed is cause for concern, but I can’t help wondering why so many are of Japanese origin. Is it possible that after becoming the leading manufacturer of efficient and economic cars, and creating some of the most prosperous electronics companies in the world, all that was left to do was make the product of your bowel movements fashionable?

The most pressing thought on my mind after going through the list (particularly #19, 12, 11 and 7) was where did the poop “swirl” come from? Unless you using an ice cream dispenser, the mechanics of making such a shape must be incredibly difficult. Perhaps the kind of perfectly-circular butt motions necessary can be developed with practice, but for some reason I’m lacking the drive to try it out.

And with so many of these toys being international in origin, what toys of U.S. creation might give a foreigner pause? Thinking back to my own childhood, the first that came to mind was GAK. A Nickelodeon product that was likely nothing more than previously unsuccessful-toys melted down to a rubbery, stretchy (and probably highly-toxic) substance had essentially no purpose. Compared to the Japanese toys in the list above, GAK was much closer to the actually consistency of poop and, hey, you can’t really wear it on your head.

One of the best and most useful lists on the net is the FBI’s most wanted.

Unfortunately for the FBI, very few websites link to list. We here at Listgasm will always spotlight the ‘Most Wanted’ list on our site. It’s our way providing a public service that everyone should take advantage of. Plus, we are obsessed with Crime, Justice, and THE DOG.

Take some time out and educate yourself by checking out the Featured Fugitives.

If you are hard on cash then we advise checking out the rewards being offered. You can then prioritize work based on the amount of the reward being offered, region, and/or ugliness of the criminal. After that its fairly easy to just head to Wal-Mart with some buddies, pack a cooler, some chaw, a cell phone, and go huntin’.

The biggest prize tag goes to Osama Been Hiding at $25 million dollars. He has been on the list since 1999.

The CIA, Google, the NSA, and everybranch of the US military can’t find him so you are probably better off going after number 2, Jorge Orozco-Lopez. His reward is a lovely $100k. I bet Mexico would even throw in a box of Chicle for this dirtbag being put in cuffs. Its the least they can do for the amount of money our government does housing thousands of illegal immigrants convicted of crimes in the United States (29% of the prison population in the US are illegals, roughly 500k people). *Note: We are not insinuating that all illegals in prison are Mexican, they might be from other South American countries as well. Hell, we bet there’s even one Canadian, so relax*

Listgasm supports the Dog, Justice, and eradicating the world of human scum.

I just finishing sorting through over 700 lists from 3 months worth emails I sent myself.Here is my random lists of lists.

They are sorted into two sections: Men and Women

For the Men:

The World Beard and Mustache Championships 2007

Weird Martial Arts Weapons

Top 100 Sports Movie Quotes

Ugliest Products in Tech History

Top 10 Hottest Animated Disney Women

10 Craziest Competitive Sports (You have never heard of)

World’s Finest Police Cars

Top 10 Ugliest Athletes

Top 5 Best Criminal Computer Hackers of All Time

10 Richest Supermodels in the World

For the Ladies:

100 Best Packaged Foods for Women

Top 50 Women Owned Businesses

10 Surprising Uses for Aspirin

50 Things to Do with Chocolate

Worst Romance Novel Covers

How Credit Scores Work

Top 10 Most Expensive Paintings of All Time

Top 100 Women in Hollywood

Top 10 Things Women Hate about Men

Forbes Most Powerful Women

A few weeks ago I was traveling home from a business trip in Bakersfield, California. (ASIDE If Bakersfield were a body part and California was the body, then Bakersfield would be this.)

While on the plane a spotted Doug Collins, former NBA coach and current TNT analyst. I only caught sight of him because he was the tallest man on the flight and because he had a huge stain on his shirt. I walked up to him after the flight landed and jealously told him he had one of the best jobs in the world. We both shared a laugh and I made off to my job as an IT consultant and big Doug left to go watch the Phoenix Suns.

The whole experience had me thinking about really awesome jobs that I wish I had. In the end I settled on being the owner of a brewery, casino, sports team, or spa/resort with endless massages.

I would argue that aside from being a mogul, I would want the job of Mike Rowe, and only because it involves a variety of shitty jobs instead of just one.

Here’s a guy that gets to travel all over the place and experience some of the dirtiest jobs that the world has to offer. Rowe probably considers himself the luckiest guy in the world since leaving his job at QVC for Dirty Jobs.

He’s got a good thing going and its a lot better than the rest of us.  Where as the average person’s job sucks all the time he gets to sample from the salad bar of occupations. Screw money, I’m into variety, and when it comes to variety Mike Rowe wins.